Hello one and all! Oh, how I wish winter was over! Nasty, cold and wet. I may have to head to the slopes and see if I can get warm up there, hot even. Whilst I fill my heads with thoughts of gluhwein by the fire and nights in the hot tub while the snow falls outside, you my lovely readers can content yourself with this story about Aussie pop music icon Kylie 'the singing budgie' Minogue.
Pop princess Kylie Minogue finds out that you are never too old to go over Mum's knee
This reporter found herself at a loose end in London and decided that some retail therapy in fashionable Carnaby St was just what the doctor ordered. Sifting through the racks I was astonished to find myself alongside the ever stylish Australian, pop music pixie Kylie Minogue. 'Kyles' had been one of my role models forever and to see her face to face in the flesh was absolutely amazing! I stood for a moment, my mouth opening and closing before she inquired in her Australian and English blended accent, "Yes? Can I help you?"
"Delighted to meet you! I love your lingerie, Kylie!" I blurted out, my face flaming.
Ms Minogue's heart shaped face broke into a huge smile. "You're Australian!" she said joyfully.
Although Kylie Minogue spends most of her time in London these days, she likes to get back to Australia as often as possible. She says misses her homeland and is always eager to meet fellow Aussies and hear about home. As I was also from her hometown of Melbourne she was absolutely ecstatic to quite literally stumble across me.
At a nearby cafΘ, the pop star returned to our table with two steaming glasses of caramel flavoured tea. As she sat I noticed that she perched gingerly on her chair and even rose slightly and winced as her pert bottom made contact with the seat. From bitter experience, the tell tale signs of a soundly smacked rear were evident, and I inquired quietly if she had been disciplined recently.
Kylie performs for the crowd. She sang a different tune for her angry mother.
The singer's face turned fire hydrant red and she answered affirmatively in a low voice. "Oh, it's silly really," Ms Minogue dismissed the event and tucked a stray tendril of golden hair behind her ear. "Mum is staying with me at the moment. I've been ever so busy with promoting the new single and my new line of lingerie is out as well. I arrived home last night and Mum was in front of the TV. My new clip, the one where I'm not wearing an awful lot, was on and next to Mum was a magazine spread with me modelling the lingerie."
The pictures were memorable: Ms Minogue was not wearing a great deal in the images splashed in fashion publications around the world, and the poses were suggestive. "Mum did not look at all happy," she recalled.
The pop star sipped her tea before continuing. "I asked her what was up and she told me that she was glad I was home, because she and I needed to discuss something."
The clip and the pics?
"Exactly," Ms Minogue confirmed. "'I don't often talk to you about your career, young lady,' she started, and the moment I heard the 'young lady' I knew I was in trouble. But, she went on, she said I'm not a little girl any more, I'm a mature lady of 36. In her view, I am a role model to a lot of young people, and I should leave the suggestive things to 'those vulgar American girls,' as she calls some of the more daring stars today."
An example of one of the pictures that got Kylie into hot water with Mum.
'But I'm Kylie Minogue!'
The singer added that the attention was starting to spill over, to impact other members of the Minogue family. "Mum said she's getting comments from friends back home, and she thinks it is even harming my sister Danni's career."
I couldn't hide my smile. Danni Minogue is far more notorious than Kylie for her behaviour.
"I think things may have been OK even then, except I stamped my foot and said 'Oh for God's sake, Mum! I'm a grown woman! I'll dress and act how I damn well like!'"
My mouth dropped open and I squealed. "Oh, Kylie! Why didn't you just say please spank me, Mum?"
Ms Minogue shook her head and sighed. "I know, it probably would have gotten the same reaction. The next thing I knew Mum took my wrist and dragged me over to her. I fought, but it was no use, she was determined."
The fiery-haired lass is a tiny thing. I had never seen Carol Minogue, but I doubted any determined mother would have a problem dragging Ms Minogue over their knee.
Carole Minogue takes no nonsense from either of her famous daughters.
"I was yelling 'No Mum!', 'Please Mum!', 'I'm too old!' And I even tried 'But I'm Kylie Minogue!' None of it worked. Over her knee I was turned. She lifted my skirt and then tried to take down my pants. I was frantic. 'Nooooo!' I howled. 'Not bare! It's so humiliating!' Mum's response was along the lines of 'Behave like a naughty little girl and get treated like one.' I hadn't been spanked in years, and honestly I'd forgotten what it felt like, the sting, the burn and the never ending heat. My bum was smouldering when she was done and she let me up and ordered me to the corner. I stood there with my bottom simmering away and the tears started to roll."
The thought of that delightful and very famous derriere being soundly spanked was an appealing one.
"Mum wasn't done though, she called me back to her and in her lap was resting a large, broad backed oval, mahogany hairbrush. I knew the brush well, I bought it for Mum as a Christmas present a few years ago. I never imagined it would be used to blister my bottom. I started crying hard when I saw it, not because I knew it would hurt, but because I knew I deserved this and that is more shaming than any physical pain. I lay over Mum's knee and she gave it to me good and proper. I hadn't been in that position under the brush since I was a teenager, but it all flooded back over Mum's lap and she scorched me with the brush long and hard. I was limp and my bottom was on fire when Mum finished. She cuddled me and before putting me to bed, on my tummy, she told me that I wouldn't be displaying my bottom for a while."
Was she right?
Ms Minogue looked into her glass. "She most certainly was. I'll be covering up in my next clip and from now on professional models can wear my lingerie for the magazines."
I left the cafΘ convinced that Kylie was another lady who had learned that Mum knows best.
Originally published in Bared Affair, Issue 2.08