G'day everyone! Rumours of my departure have been greatly exaggerated. I took a bit of a break over Christmas and New Year, but I'm all bright eyed and bushy tailed now and have a recent meeting to share with you all. Yes, Andrea...sorry Aunty, I'll get back to work on that article I've promised, no please don't get your ebony hairbrush...
I had some time to kill over the summer holiday whilst waiting for the tennis season and my social life to get into full swing, so I found myself at the MCG attending a 20/20 cricket match in Australia’s fledgling Big Bash League, basically the antipodean answer to Indian juggernaut the IPL. Sometimes MCC membership has its privileges.
There were two sides based out of Melbourne; the Renegades, who play out of Etihad Stadium in the city’s Docklands precinct, and the more cashed up Stars, who are based at the Melbourne Cricket Ground. One of the Stars big drawcards was spin bowling legend Shane Warne, who had been lured out of retirement to play for the franchise. Of almost as much, possibly more, interest was the bowler’s fiancée; British supermodel Liz Hurley.
The logo of Shane Warne's Big Bash team; the Melbourne Stars.
I hadn’t expected to have an encounter with fame at the game, honest, I was just there to watch some cricket, maybe chat up a player, a girl never knows her luck in the big city, but I happened to bump into Ms Hurley in the loo. I think she only initially started talking to me because she thought I was Lara Bingle. Seriously I have to do something about that, dye my hair maybe.
Shane Warne's famous fiancee; supermodel and actress Liz Hurley.
However we seemed to hit it off once the case of mistaken identity had been solved, and the two of us were enjoying an afternoon tea of tea and scones with yummy jam and cream in the Long Room.
One of the things that surprised everyone when Shane took up with Elizabeth was the change in behaviour and appearance. Prior to his relationship with the supermodel, apart from his feats on the field, Warnie, as he is known to his army of fans, had been notable for his womanizing and his chubby appearance. The man seemed to live on a diet of baked beans and vegemite sandwiches. Since beginning his relationship with the famous model and actress the scandal stopped, and he lost an incredible amount of weight, turning up to play for the Stars looking trim, taut and terrific.
A picture of Shane Warne pre Liz.
And the post Liz version.
Liz was able to explain it quite simply “Anyone I go out with reflects on me personally, Debbie,” she told me, “so I insist that they behave and appear presentable.”
“Surely Shane who could have a number of women can’t have been easy to convince to alter his lifestyle easily?”
“Oh, I didn’t say it was easy, dear,” Liz continued, sipping tea, “he was resistant at first, but at the heart of it all men are little boys, and like little boys they need discipline and guidance. Shane had always been concerned about his weight, but he’d never met anyone who was prepared to make him do something about it. As long as he took wickets no one seemed to really care.”
“So how did you make him lose the weight?”
Liz shrugged ‘It was just a matter of diet and exercise.”
“Surely he did both of those when he was setting bowling records for Australia?”
“Sadly, no.” Liz replied, reaching for a laden scone.
“So what did you do that his coaches didn’t?”
“It is incredible how a good old fashioned smack bottom focuses one’s mind.” Liz replied casually.
The impact of Ms Hurley’s words hit me as I was halfway through a mouth of scone, I sprayed crumbs everywhere as I exclaimed “You spanked Shane Warne!” I was so shocked, not to mention more than a little excited by the thought of the spinner’s chubby white bottom reddening over Liz’s toned, muscular thighs, that I said it a little louder than I had intended, and heads turned in our direction.
Liz was unconcerned “It is not just past tense, Debbie.” She told me. “He can still slip up sometimes and that’s when it’s time for Mrs Slipper to have a chat to his botty.”
I was intrigued now “How do you do it, really?”
“Aren’t you the inquisitive little bunny?” Liz grinned at me, and I immediately pictured myself over her lap. “We have a talk about what he’s done and how he’s let everyone, including himself, down. Then I’ll bare his bottom and put him into the time honoured position. I begin with my hand, he always gets at least that, and I prefer to warm up by hand, that’s how they did us at school. Being British I prefer the slipper, although I do have a lovely little tawse that was made for me by a retired Scottish leather worker. It’s small, but quite thick and heavy, it has 3 tails and Shane absolutely hates it, I’ve only had to use it a couple of times, but it really gets his attention. He stands in the corner after to cool down a little, then we have a cuddle and a chat, there are promises to do better. He usually keeps those for a month or two before it’s time for another trip to Lapland.”
Liz's favourite bottom smacking implement, a three tailed tawse.
I had a million more questions, but things were cut short by a roar from the crowd, we turned to see the match in progress and Shane was standing, legs apart, fist thrust into the air, while an opposition batsman glumly regarded the wreckage of his stumps.
“I’ve got to run, darling,” Liz informed me, “the rest of the WAGS (wives and girlfriends) give me dirty looks if I don’t go down and congratulate Shane in between innings.”
I watched Shane complete an interview on the ground while I composed my next article. Liz had given me food for thought that I may have to apply to my next boyfriend.
Author’s note: unfortunately for the Stars not even the presence of the greatest spin bowler ever could take the team to the competition’s inaugural championship. They crashed out in the semi finals to the Perth Scorchers.